Dreams Coming True!

I guess it’s time for my annual blog again.  I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I posted last!  When you’re going through the process to get the surgery (gastric by-pass), and the period immediately after, it consumes your mind and your life.  Now at a year and a half post-op, it’s regular life now.  Although it’s not so regular anymore.  I feel like I’ve stepped through the looking glass. 

 Life update:  We’re still living in Seneca Falls.  I was working for that agency previously mentioned, got out of the case management position, but jumped from the frying pan into the fire! 

I tried to get moved back to case management, they said yes but gave me the run around on a start date, and to make a really LONG story short, I left.  I left on good terms though, as difficult as that was at that point.  I’m very happy that chapter of my life is over.  I did learn a lot. 

So now I’m home.  I’m on my second semester, (did one full semester while still working, and half of this one), at a local community college.  Originally I started doing this to meet some pre-requisites for a BSW program I was accepted to at a local private college.  Then everything got topsy turvy.  I will not be attending Keuka College’s ASAP BSW Program.  Instead…drum roll please….I will be attending Georgia Southern University! 

 

That’s right folks, these New Yorkers are headed South‼!  Woohoo‼!

 

Like it is with most new adventures, Georgia is all I can think about.  Trying desperately to find a place to rent.  We’re going to look for a house to buy after we’re down there.  My mother took the news surprisingly well.  My husband and I have always wanted to move down south, and coincidently, to Georgia and we both figured that out before we even met.  So here we are – it’s now or never!  I feel like my life is going to change completely.  No one will know me or the past me – the fat me – the damaged me.  I get to be ME.  I’ll finally be going to a university.  We’ll be buying a house.  These are all things that were dreams of mine that I never thought would come true, and here we are!  I honestly don’t think I would be at this point in my life if I had not had my surgery.  I know that might sound silly, especially to those who have not had it yet.  I feel like a totally different person, others say I am, I have more hope and more energy – more drive.  I’ve accomplished more in the last two years than I ever have in my whole life.  I only see it going up from here.

Other goals I have are to run a 5K in 30 mins or less – oh yeah did I mention I picked up running???  I’ve done two 5K’s so far, have one this coming weekend, then a Warrior Run (yikes!) next weekend, one with my daughter in June, am planning to do a super cool 5K with my sister in Miami in November, and I’m sure there will be others.  Out somewhere in the future I want to do a half marathon, a full marathon, and an Iron Man.  For right now, I will concentrate on mastering the good ole’ 5K.  Upcoming races for me:

 

I also want to learn to roller skate so I can become a Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby chick!  I got my derby skates and gear, now I just need to learn how to roller skate, lol.  That’s something I never did.  Even when I went to the elementary school roller skating parties (my first one was in 5^th grade due to having been home schooled until then), I wouldn’t skate, because I was self-conscious of my weight and falling down.  L  I hate that I let worrying what other people thought about me get in the way of me doing so much! 

That’s all for now, because I have homework to do!  This semester is over May 11, 2013, and the fall 2013 at GSU starts mid-August.  I can’t get a 4.0 this semester because of my statistics class, but I’m hoping to nail a B for that class at least.  The other four classes are solid A’s.  I failed stats last semester so a B would be great!  I’m at a C+ right now.  Anywho, here I go rambling again! 

Ta-ta for now all! 

Exercise and Accountability

Alright folks - Confession time!  I'm slacking on exercise.  I went an entire two weeks with doing NOTHING.  A big FAT nothing!  I could make a million excuses including stress and time and blah blah blah, but anyone who's on this journey knows in their heart - as do I - that that's all it is.  EXCUSES.  I worked out twice last week - still not enough.  I was going so well and just dropped off.  I NEED to schedule this in to my daily routine.  My weight loss has slowed down too and i don't seem to be moving in clothing sizes either.  I'm convinced this is because of my slacking AND the dang Christmas cookies!

Again, another thing that's inexcusable!  They're all over my office, they're at my house, they're EVERYWHERE!  It's like an alien invasion.  I half expect to lift the lid on the cookie containers at home and see them full of little green guys peering up over the edge, saying "Eat me!"

I'm refocusing and trying to take in protein again.  Not acceptable to be wasting my pouch space on refined sugar and empty carbs.  Eating a half a sandwich right now, and I have some hummus to put on a few crackers.

I need to do a work out tonight.  My husband has to go to calling hours for a friend that passed away, so I can either sneak off to the YMCA after that or do a video while he's gone.  Thanks for being there so I have someone to be accountable to.  I need a smack on the @ss!  lol 

Bettie Page Spanking

So I'm finally under 300!!!  Woohooo!!!!  I had a follow up appointment on November 14, 2011.  I was down to 291!!!  I haven't been less than 300 pounds since school sometime.  

I don't go back to Highland for another appointment for another 4 months!!!  That’s going to be very strange.  I have lived and breathed these people for the past year. 

Dr. O'Malley

 I also think I can officially say I am down to a size 22/24.  I was that size last when I was 18 and I met my ex-husband.  I also recently bought a bathing suit second hand that's a size 16 - it's snug but it fits!  I certainly wouldn't say I am a size 16 yet though.  I needed a swim suit desperately because the one I have been using for my water aerobics class and laps is getting too big and worn out.  Went to the Salvation Army Thrift store and that's what they had, so I bought it hoping it would work, and it does.

  

I've been having lots of weird dreams lately.  For example, the night before last I dreamt about work.  They had rearranged my stuff again.  I had previously dreamed about work and they had rearranged my work area and filled my space with fish tanks - very strange.  This time they had taken away most of my space and turned my desk sideways, giving me a sliver of space against the wall.  Then last night I dreamt about the YMCA all night.  I dreamt I went to water aerobics but didn't have my swim suit so I told the instructor I didn’t feel well.  The instructor, Linda, had cut and permed her hair - very weird.  I ended up doing the class in my clothes, and then the locker room was full of children.  Children aren't allowed in the adult locker rooms at the Y so I got very upset.  And then there were boys in the adult women's locker room too!  I got mad and tried talking to someone at the front desk, and they promptly took my money away from me.  It was all very weird.  And these dreams have been very vivid too - like Chantix vivid.  I don't know if it's stress or what.  If you are into dream interpretation, feel free to chime in!

I'm also off all the funky diets and finally on the lifetime maintenance phase.  I've been kind of chicken to try things that aren't soft.  I ate salad for the first time last night, and it was really yummy.  I'm eating an apple (cut into section and no skin) with peanut butter right now.  Yesterday I had a little melt down moment.  Not a major episode, but I just didn't WANT to eat.  I had only eaten a yogurt and a little squash so far in the day and it was almost 3pm.  I was getting shaky and I knew I HAD to eat but I didn't WANT to eat.  I stood looking forlornly into the refrigerator and started to cry when my husband asked me what was wrong.  

How can I not WANT to eat?  I had to FORCE myself to eat something!  How friggin’ bizarre is that???  He held me while I cried a little, and then I fixed my first post op salad.  Very plain, but it worked.  I ate and felt a little better.

I had a kidney stone on November 9, 2011.  I went spent all day in the ER and the doc ended up telling me that it happens frequently when our bodies go through periods of drought.  Pre-op I could easily slam 10 glasses of water in a day.  Post-op, I'm just not thirsty anymore.  I don’t know if it's because the diabetes is so much better or what.  Now you can bet your sweet bippy I am getting my 64 ounces of water a day!  I've measured all the glasses in my house and know exactly how many I need to drink to get to 64.  Now I need to do better getting in all my food. 

It seems when I concentrate on one thing, I let something else go.  It's a lot to balance.    Take all your vitamins, exercise every day, eat all your meals, get enough protein, get enough fluids, get a good amount of sleep!  Jeepers!  I guess took really super poor care of myself prior to starting this journey.  It's a lot of hard work to get healthy! 

Blog From the Past

I just googled my old screen name just to see what was still out there on the internet about me and found a couple of old myspace blogs I posted 3 years ago.  I thought I would post them here for posterity's sake. 

November 8, 2008  1:02pm

Cornered

Cornered.  By a big sneaky spider.  One that you say yes to with your eyes closed hoping it will go away - Yes this is just a dream.  Webs.  Lots of them.  It's so easy to trip and fall into them.  Sneaky, sneaky naughty spider.  

Why do people think they have the right to talk to me like I am some piece of garbage?  Just because I have five children that makes me trailer trash?  Because I am fat I don't have the right to breath?  What is it? 

It's amazing that one stupid phone call can put me into a complete tail spin.  I suppose it's that old adage that if you give someone an inch, they're gonna take a mile.  You try to be reasonable - nice even - and they have to take complete advantage of that, and as a result I am subjected to the grating and degrading voice of a miserable and pathetic little woman who feels so weak she can only feel good about herself if she is being nasty to another human being.  Worthless waste of space and air.  Definitely not someone interested in the best interest of those she is supposed to be responsible.  Susan Smith was a parent you stupid b%$h.  Does simply being a parent make someone fit?  

Surreal.  Maybe that should be the title.  Surreal. Ever feel like you're in a movie?  I had my very own Without a Trace moment today - accept I didn't disappear.  Wish I could have, but didn't.  Tried to get out of working today too.  Just didn't want to be anywhere on the sunny side of the sheets.  I was needed so I went.  It was tough, but I put my head down and pushed forward into the driving wind and rain.  I was even laughing a little by the end of the night.  Carole telling people where they could put their pans, lol.  Singing the Wonder Pets anthem of teamwork.  There was such as storm of packing peanuts that it made me think if we got shook up, we'd look like a snow globe.  Jill, I missed you tonight.  There's a new girl, Courtney, who reminded me of you and a certain frightened little spider who's life you had spared.

Hopefully tomorrow won't be overcast with the clouds of PTSD.  I need a break from that deluge.    

October 26, 2008  7:04am

Paranoia?

Just when you think that maybe you've just been waaaayyyyy too paranoid, something raises your eyebrow.  It always happens when things seem to be going better too.  Perhaps nightmares are the way one's brain screams at them that they are not paranoid, but are stupid for taking down their guard for even a half a second.  I have nightmares about a particular person over and over and over again.  I wonder if people realize that they can have such a profound impact on a person.  I also wonder if people do ever change.  I change back and forth on my opinion of that.  I suppose I am jaded.  Thinking for years that people can change only to be consistently disappointed can do that to a person.  I wonder if the nightmares will ever stop - if the paranoia will ever go away.  I wonder if forgiveness is something that will ever be possible.  I wish it were.  How many times can you forgive?  I would love to be able to relax, I mean truly relax, and not have to analyze shadows all of the time.  Why are some people two different people?  The person that everyone thinks they are, and the person they truly are?  I know people wear masks, put up walls, conceal things - but some people are so deeply split that most people would have a hard time believing the glances that they see of the true person, even those closest to them.  I wonder of those people even know who they are, or if they give themselves a pat on the back when they get home and put their alter ego in the closet.  Those types of people seem to me sometimes to be the type of people who are the true monsters.  The ones portrayed on popular prime time TV dramas, the ones in true life accounts of torture, murder, rape, and other violence.  What changes a person like that?  They're not born that way.  Is it abuse or neglect from parents?  Drug use?  Killing cats?  Is there any part of them that knows how to love?  How to actually be a human being?  I don't know.  This is my drizzle of thoughts.  The ones that plague me before I go to bed, praying that there won't be another nightmare - a visit in my head of a monster from the past stealing not only my security, but my precious few moments of peace.  I wish that monster would just go away.  Forever.   

Confusion

Confused seems to be my theme as of late.  I'm confused about a lot of things.  About relationships - past and present, friends, my body, life, etc.  I'm sure everyone is confused about lots of things at any given point in time (not that they'll admit it - especially if they have boy parts), but I feel plagued by it.

Let's start in the shallow end.  My body.  I'm losing weight and I know it.  I know it by the scale and the way things fit and such, but I don't SEE it.  People say something almost daily, and I look in the mirror several times a day and I don't see any change.  I look the same to me.  I thought I was supposed to see some miraculous change.  Ugh!  Why can they see it, but not me?  I had my friend Shawn do a photo shoot a couple of weeks ago to see if I can see the change when it's in print.   I am supposed to get those pics this afternoon and do another shoot.  I will post them if there are any good ones. 

Relationships/friendships.  

Someone came back into my life recently that has hurt me deeply several times.  Should be enough said right there - right?  Yeah, well no.  Even when we had not been talking, I thought about this person a lot.  Loved her for years - how can I not think about her?  So I'm being super cautious.  I don't know what to say to her, how much to open up.  For years and years she was the only person who really knew me - she knew me the deepest.  But now I'm scared sh!tless.  Do I try again, hoping that we've both grown, or do I stay the flying fu<k away??? 

  

Things that were said ring in my ears.  That seems to be a big problem for me.  How do you let those haunting voices go?  Is it even the voices of others anymore, or is it some sick twisted trick my brain plays on me; ventriloquist's dummy sitting on my shoulders.  

And there's something else I can't even speak about, not in writing, not audibly, not at all.  I have to completely internalize it.  No one (that I can talk to) understands.  Even my seemingly only true friend outside my marriage, when I bring up the subject he frowns, says something negative and changes the subject.  The other person who I would consider a real friend, whom I'm pretty sure I've recently lost as a friend, I've never been able to talk to about these kind of things.  She doesn't respect the subject matter, and subsequently won't respect me.  But this thing.  This thing I can't speak of makes my heart ache on a daily basis.  Even eliminating every scrap of evidence, every trace of a reminder, cannot wipe away the chalk filled slate.  I want to address the problem directly, but it scares the hell out of me.  Will I slip back?  Will I destroy everything?  There is that very real possibility.  Do I risk so much just to get the aching in my heart to stop?  My heart has never been a very good predictor of things.  It lashes out at nourishment and clings to toxic things. 

Ugh.  I can't even finish these thoughts, because they're too overwhelming.  Yuck.